Det tar aldrig slut

I fredags var det sex månader sedan Nubbe dog.

På onsdag är det fem månader sedan Y och jag kysste varandra första gången.

De här två händelserna kommer nog alltid vara sammanlänkade för mig, i och med att de skedde så nära inpå varandra och påverkades så mycket av varandra. Min höst 2011 präglades av dessa två händelser, och de balanserade varandra och gjorde att jag inte gick under. De är i princip det enda jag minns från hösten.

I fredags skulle vi se på film några stycken. På vägen stannade jag till hos Nubbe på gravplatsen. Tände ett ljus. Jag önskar att han hade fått lära känna Y. Jag önskar så mycket. Jag önskar att han levde.

Det tar aldrig slut. Jag kommer alltid att sörja Nubbe, och alltid vara tacksam över att jag vågade säga något till Y. Kanske tack vare att vi kom varandra nära i skuggan av Nubbes död.

Sammanlänkat, som sagt. I närheten av döden finns livet, och ibland blir det så jävla uppenbart. Även om det ibland vore skönare att inte vara så medveten om att vi balanserar på ingenting.

Day 29 – Your aspirations

Det här inlägget ingår i det här projektet.

Mina mål i livet, kanske det här ska översättas till. Vad har jag för mål? Vad vill jag bli? Alla ställer mig den frågan, speciellt alla mina bekanta som är äldre. Och det är ganska många som är äldre än mig.

Självklart har jag alla vanliga tråkiga mål som alla andra, dvs.: skaffa en utbildning, skaffa ett bra jobb, bo i en trevlig lägenhet, ha ett liv med vettig fritid… Vem vill inte sådant? Ett bra fungerande liv tror jag alla har som mål någonstans i bakhuvudet.

För tillfället är jag mest fokuserad på att skaffa en utbildning, förhoppningsvis en som leder till någon form av jobb. Vi får se hur det går. Andra mål är lite mer vaga. Inget som jag riktigt kan skriva ner. Jag hoppas att jag kommer kunna följa mina drömmar, oavsett hur osannolika de är.

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Tick tock

Ibland stressar det mig, med tiden som går. Ibland blir jag bara förvånad. Igår insåg jag att det var exakt sex år sedan en klasskompis till mig dog i cancer. Vi var femton år gamla.

Ibland läker inte tiden riktigt alla sår.

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Förbättring

Efter i natt känns allt mycket bättre. Peppad men trött, typ 😉 Men som sagt, nu är det bara vissa samtal som ska klaras av och så kanske det här kan fungera! Jag hoppas det i alla fall. Som sagt, allt känns bättre idag.

Igår fick jag nytt golv i badrummet, just nu har vi en rörmokare här som håller på att koppla in allt igen. Snart har jag en dusch igen, efter 3 veckor!

Life is good 🙂

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Highspeed

Ibland är det läskigt hur snabbt saker förändras. Hur plötsligt saker händer, utan att man kan stoppa dom. Tänker på det nu, p.g.a. att en väns pappa voltade med bilen i torsdags, och därmed numera är helkroppsförlamad. Hur snabbt någonting förstör ett helt liv. Samma känsla jag kände förra sommaren, när mormor plötsligt fick en hjärtattack och dog. Samma känsla som den av min pappas studenter måste ha haft, när han klantade sig lite på fyllan och därför nu är helt förlamad (han dök i vattnet och råkade dyka på en sten). Vi är så svaga, egentligen. Det krävs så fruktansvärt lite för att skada oss.

Morbida tankar så här på kvällskvisten. Men det är lite så mitt liv känns just nu. Allting rör sig framåt, och sen plötsligt kommer det ett ryck och allting tar ett skutt och man känner inte igen sig. Allt är förändrat. Det är läskigt att tänka att det är så lätt för oss att dö, det är snarare att vi lever som är det konstiga.

Nä, nu ska jag sluta vara morbid. Om några timmar går båten till Gotland. Jag har en känsla av att jag har glömt en massa saker, men förmodligen inbillar jag mig bara. Två väskor, en till första halvan av veckan och en till andra. Jag har ingen aning hur det här kommer bli, faktiskt. Vi får helt enkelt se!

25 random things about me

Skrev det här på facebook igår, men tänkte att jag skulle lägga till det här också. Ganska intressant att försöka klura ut 25 saker om sig själv faktiskt… Svårare än man kan tro.

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RULES: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to “notes” under tabs (+) on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.)

1. I basically learnt to read in two languages at once: Swedish and English. When my family (I was 6) moved to the U.S. I could barely read in Swedish. There I learnt to read in English, which then apparently transferred into Swedish. After 4 months I was reading ”Little House on the Prairie” by myself.

2. While visiting Canada at the age of 7, I decided to learn French because I was so fascinated by the bilingual street signs of Quebec.

3. I fulfilled this goal 10 years later through moving to the middle of France for a year.

4. As long as I can remember, my bookcase has been sorted alphabetically. When I was younger I was practically the only one I knew (except my parents of course) having their books organised like that. Jeez, none of my friends had even half the amount of books that I had. And I still don’t have that many (only one wall).

5. Since my parents both used to work at the University of Stockholm, going there always feels like going home. It’s a weird feeling, since I’ve never studied there (yet, I’m too young) and only done spare work there since last November. Everything is familiar 🙂

6. I have always loved sorting things, my mom used to go nuts at me for packing things into bags when I was supposed to clean my room. My computer is extremely well-organised with lots of folders, and so are all my pictures. My room however, looks terrible 😛 Along with this comes my passion for lists and planning, structuring and so on. However, I’m quite bad at following my own plans. I just love making them 😛

7. When I feel down, or kind of mopey, instead of buying candy I go and buy notebooks and/or pens. There is something so uplifting with nice new notebooks, and I can look at pens for ever. There are so many nice ones!

8. My current overall favorite color is orange, closely followed by (in no special order) green, black, purple and red. But orange caps them all. It has to be the right kind of orange though, it can’t be to light or to dark. When it’s just right, it looks like it’s glowing, and that’s what I love about it.

9. The worlds of gaming, fantasy and science fiction were all brought to me by my brothers when I was small and they were still living at home. They lent me books, let me join in playing games when they had friends over and gave me my own games 😛 However, I think I took fantasy and science fiction more seriously than they ever did. They seem to have mostly stuck to the gaming 😉

10. For a year now I have been a dedicated vampire-LARPer in Stockholm by Night. It’s really fun, and the more I play the more I get stuck 😛 Currently playing an autistic, violent Nosferatu, which is loads of fun! ;D

11. I have several long-term projects that I’m working on: see all the Stanley Kubrick-movies, read something by every winner of the Nobel Prize in literature, read all books by Margaret Atwood and read all books by Jane Austen. Going moderately well anyway 🙂

12. Some jobs I have had (or done, some of them were single events): painting fences, serving at a wedding, putting books up at Stockholm University Library, baby-sitting, giving trumpet lessons, serving in the café of the Nobel museum, leading kids around a Narnia-track… All of them have been fun, except perhaps painting fences in blazing hot sunlight.

13. Keeping track of how many countries I have visited (sitting in the airport doesn’t count) is always fun. So far I have been to Sweden (duh), Norway, Denmark, Finland, Russia, U.S.A., Canada, France, Germany, Switzerland, Latvia, Estonia, China (Hong Kong), Greece, the Netherlands and Belgium. Hopefully in April I will get to add Bosnia & Hercegovina, Serbia, Croatia and possibly Montenegro to the list.

14. I love reading dictionaries, and can sit for ages just looking up words that lead to other words and so on. Scrabble is a fun game, but not really necessary. Just give me the dictionary!

15. One of my few long-existing passions is for languages. I am currently trilingual (Swedish, English, French), working on Italian, and hoping to learn many more as soon as I’m free of high school. Some languages on my wish-list are Welsh, Jiddisch, Hebrew and Arabic. But really any language would do actually. On a trip to Saint Petersburg in 2004 I went through a crash course in Finnish with a colleague of my father during the bus ride. Sadly, I’ve now basically forgotten it. My Russian is also basically forgotten, sadly I was too small to remember it when we moved back.

16. I have spent two weeks nearly every summer of my life on Gotland, yet last year (2008) was the first time ever I saw the city of Visby by night (and then I mean really night, not late evening). The results of having a house on the northern tip of the island.

17. Despite my not actually having the right to it, my parents managed to acquire ”mother-tongue” classes for me when we came back from the U.S.A. It’s probably because of this that I speak as good English as I do.

18. Growing up with mac, I have always been surprised when people with PCs never can use a mac (since basically all mac users also are able to use a PC). The controls are not that different, seriously! I learnt to handle them both at the age of 10!

19. I managed to pass my driver’s license nearly a year ago, at the age of 18. I turned 19 the month after, but who cares? My main reason for getting a license is not that I drive so much, but that I find it practical to be able to. For example when visiting friends across the city I can drive home in maximum 20 minutes instead of spending an hour and a half on the subway and buses. The down-side is that my parents started using me as a chauffeur since I live at home… Also, of course, it’s always fun to beat your brothers to something 🙂

20. Another area that interests me a lot is psychology, especially since I started going to a psychologist myself. The human mind, and how we use it and how it uses us (^^) is very interesting. I wouldn’t mind studying group psychology or something like that, norms and peoples’ behaviour in groups has always fascinated me. I have always been an observer 😉

21. It took a long while for me to make up my mind about piercing my ears. I finally did in March 2006. While I was in France I acquired another two holes in my right ear. I find it kind of funny that I didn’t touch them for almost 17 years, and then within one year I had a total of four piercings in them.

22. I can remember the exact day my music taste changed, and also what song it was that changed it. On my 14th birthday my best friend gave me a CD, and on that CD was the song Sleeping Sun by Nightwish. Before that I didn’t even care a lot about listening to music, I had enough music in my head. Since then my taste has evolved, but I’m still very fond of Nightwish 🙂

23. My memory is very visual. For example, my spellcheck on my writing consists of looking at the words to see if they ”look wrong”. I remember names much better if I know how they are spelled. When I remember things from books and notes, I usually see the page in front of me. I have a very good memory for faces, sometimes a bit too good since I have on occasion remembered people I’ve never met 😛 When I haven’t been listening to a lecture or if I’ve been gone, reading through the chapter usually makes it up. I seem to absorb information mostly through my eyes somehow 😛

24. I have a thing for sarcastic, ironic and cynical humor, which when I get together with other sarcastic friends can make me fall over laughing. This is one reason why I love Terry Pratchett, his books are an ironic wonderland 🙂

25. I’m good at seeing structures and patterns. This shows among other things when I learn languages, I draw parallells to other languages very quickly. I usually catch up on historical patterns rather fast as well, and social structures are fuzzier but very interesting 🙂 Am not so good at actually knowing what you’re supposed to do, but I can usually see that I’m supposed to do something at any rate 😛
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