Analysering: att skapa eller lösa problem?

Som den akademiker jag är gillar jag att analysera saker, inklusive mig själv och mina beteenden. T.ex. analyserar jag ofta min sexualitet och dess uttrycksformer, både på ett personligt och mer allmänt sett (beroende på forum). Både bra och dåligt, problem och saker som faktiskt funkar, både fysiskt och psykiskt. Det är intressant helt enkelt.

Efter att ha fått en gråtattack hemma hos en vän över att saker aldrig funkar som jag vill, frågade jag henom hur ofta hen själv funderar på sin sexualitet. ”Inte så ofta”, blev svaret. ”Men så har det varit ganska oproblematiskt också”.

Det är väl så. Har något ställt till problem för en, leder det nog oftare till att man börjar reflektera över ämnet i stort än om allting bara flyter på utan några större issues som verkligen kräver uppmärksamhet och åtgärder. Själva analyserandet blir en vana (inte alltid en bra sådan, medger jag), men det är inte bara de problematiska områdena som vrids och vänds på även om det var de som gav upphov till analysen till att börja med.

Förutom att det är lätt att fastna i analysen så att den stör ut annat, är det också väldigt lätt att känna sig sjukt självcentrerad i en intim situation. Eftersom det är jag som har problem, handlar diskussionen och aktiviteterna om vad jag klarar av och tycker om/känner mig bekväm med. Det är rätt jobbigt ganska ofta – närhet handlar ju om fler personer än bara jag. Är ens självkänsla redan skakig blir den inte bättre av det här. Samtidigt försöker jag intala mig själv att ingen som är så nära mig mår bra av att jag lider i tysthet, så jag kan lika gärna prata om det. Svårt och jobbigt är det däremot ändå.

Och lite lockad blir jag alltid att bara hålla käften och låta bli att säga något, eller inte hamna i situationen alls. Oavsett så suger det, och både jag och potentiella partners blir lidande. Jag önskar mig en oproblematisk sexualitet i present. Gief?

Annonser

Day 19 – Something you regret

Det här inlägget ingår i det här projektet.

Oftast försöker jag att inte ångra saker, eller i alla fall inte tänka på saker som jag ångrar. Jag har nämligen en tendens att överanalysera, och numera har jag lärt mig lite bättre att inte mata nojorna. Men jag har också lärt mig att faktiskt ångra färre saker som jag gör, och det känns bra. Jag accepterar mer.

Sen är det klart att det finns saker som jag ångrar. Inget riktigt stort dock, som jag kan komma på. Mest småsaker, som att varför gick jag inte på den där festen, eller varför pratade jag inte med den där personen, eller varför väntade jag så länge med att plugga? Inte allvarligare än så, och det kan jag leva med.

Baklängesminne

I morse var jag hos psykologen som vanligt, och pratade bland annat om mitt dåliga korttidsminne just nu. Eller, det kanske inte egentligen är korttidsminnet det är fel på, utan arkiveringssystemet. Om någon skulle fråga mig vad jag gjorde i fredags skulle jag vara tvungen att fundera en lång stund, när var fredags egentligen? Den övergripande minnesstrukturen saknas, vilket är ganska jobbigt, faktiskt. Jag kommer inte ihåg hur lång tid som har gått mellan olika saker, eller hur lång tid det är kvar på en deadline. Jag klamrar mig fast vid min almanacka och skriver även upp saker i efterhand för att ens komma ihåg att jag har gjort dem.

Så psykologen bad mig ta några minuter och tänka igenom dagen som gått varje kväll – baklänges. Det vill säga, börja med det senaste som hände och gå i omvänd kronologisk ordning. Detta ska tydligen hjälpa koncentrationen eftersom det är åt ”fel” håll så att säga. Det viktigaste är inte heller att hinna komma igenom hela dagen och memorera allt som hänt, utan att identifiera mina känslor och tankar genom dagens olika situationer.

Vilket säkert är nyttigt, även om det kanske inte påverkar mitt strukturminne. Vi får se hur det går 🙂

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25 random things about me

Skrev det här på facebook igår, men tänkte att jag skulle lägga till det här också. Ganska intressant att försöka klura ut 25 saker om sig själv faktiskt… Svårare än man kan tro.

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RULES: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to “notes” under tabs (+) on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.)

1. I basically learnt to read in two languages at once: Swedish and English. When my family (I was 6) moved to the U.S. I could barely read in Swedish. There I learnt to read in English, which then apparently transferred into Swedish. After 4 months I was reading ”Little House on the Prairie” by myself.

2. While visiting Canada at the age of 7, I decided to learn French because I was so fascinated by the bilingual street signs of Quebec.

3. I fulfilled this goal 10 years later through moving to the middle of France for a year.

4. As long as I can remember, my bookcase has been sorted alphabetically. When I was younger I was practically the only one I knew (except my parents of course) having their books organised like that. Jeez, none of my friends had even half the amount of books that I had. And I still don’t have that many (only one wall).

5. Since my parents both used to work at the University of Stockholm, going there always feels like going home. It’s a weird feeling, since I’ve never studied there (yet, I’m too young) and only done spare work there since last November. Everything is familiar 🙂

6. I have always loved sorting things, my mom used to go nuts at me for packing things into bags when I was supposed to clean my room. My computer is extremely well-organised with lots of folders, and so are all my pictures. My room however, looks terrible 😛 Along with this comes my passion for lists and planning, structuring and so on. However, I’m quite bad at following my own plans. I just love making them 😛

7. When I feel down, or kind of mopey, instead of buying candy I go and buy notebooks and/or pens. There is something so uplifting with nice new notebooks, and I can look at pens for ever. There are so many nice ones!

8. My current overall favorite color is orange, closely followed by (in no special order) green, black, purple and red. But orange caps them all. It has to be the right kind of orange though, it can’t be to light or to dark. When it’s just right, it looks like it’s glowing, and that’s what I love about it.

9. The worlds of gaming, fantasy and science fiction were all brought to me by my brothers when I was small and they were still living at home. They lent me books, let me join in playing games when they had friends over and gave me my own games 😛 However, I think I took fantasy and science fiction more seriously than they ever did. They seem to have mostly stuck to the gaming 😉

10. For a year now I have been a dedicated vampire-LARPer in Stockholm by Night. It’s really fun, and the more I play the more I get stuck 😛 Currently playing an autistic, violent Nosferatu, which is loads of fun! ;D

11. I have several long-term projects that I’m working on: see all the Stanley Kubrick-movies, read something by every winner of the Nobel Prize in literature, read all books by Margaret Atwood and read all books by Jane Austen. Going moderately well anyway 🙂

12. Some jobs I have had (or done, some of them were single events): painting fences, serving at a wedding, putting books up at Stockholm University Library, baby-sitting, giving trumpet lessons, serving in the café of the Nobel museum, leading kids around a Narnia-track… All of them have been fun, except perhaps painting fences in blazing hot sunlight.

13. Keeping track of how many countries I have visited (sitting in the airport doesn’t count) is always fun. So far I have been to Sweden (duh), Norway, Denmark, Finland, Russia, U.S.A., Canada, France, Germany, Switzerland, Latvia, Estonia, China (Hong Kong), Greece, the Netherlands and Belgium. Hopefully in April I will get to add Bosnia & Hercegovina, Serbia, Croatia and possibly Montenegro to the list.

14. I love reading dictionaries, and can sit for ages just looking up words that lead to other words and so on. Scrabble is a fun game, but not really necessary. Just give me the dictionary!

15. One of my few long-existing passions is for languages. I am currently trilingual (Swedish, English, French), working on Italian, and hoping to learn many more as soon as I’m free of high school. Some languages on my wish-list are Welsh, Jiddisch, Hebrew and Arabic. But really any language would do actually. On a trip to Saint Petersburg in 2004 I went through a crash course in Finnish with a colleague of my father during the bus ride. Sadly, I’ve now basically forgotten it. My Russian is also basically forgotten, sadly I was too small to remember it when we moved back.

16. I have spent two weeks nearly every summer of my life on Gotland, yet last year (2008) was the first time ever I saw the city of Visby by night (and then I mean really night, not late evening). The results of having a house on the northern tip of the island.

17. Despite my not actually having the right to it, my parents managed to acquire ”mother-tongue” classes for me when we came back from the U.S.A. It’s probably because of this that I speak as good English as I do.

18. Growing up with mac, I have always been surprised when people with PCs never can use a mac (since basically all mac users also are able to use a PC). The controls are not that different, seriously! I learnt to handle them both at the age of 10!

19. I managed to pass my driver’s license nearly a year ago, at the age of 18. I turned 19 the month after, but who cares? My main reason for getting a license is not that I drive so much, but that I find it practical to be able to. For example when visiting friends across the city I can drive home in maximum 20 minutes instead of spending an hour and a half on the subway and buses. The down-side is that my parents started using me as a chauffeur since I live at home… Also, of course, it’s always fun to beat your brothers to something 🙂

20. Another area that interests me a lot is psychology, especially since I started going to a psychologist myself. The human mind, and how we use it and how it uses us (^^) is very interesting. I wouldn’t mind studying group psychology or something like that, norms and peoples’ behaviour in groups has always fascinated me. I have always been an observer 😉

21. It took a long while for me to make up my mind about piercing my ears. I finally did in March 2006. While I was in France I acquired another two holes in my right ear. I find it kind of funny that I didn’t touch them for almost 17 years, and then within one year I had a total of four piercings in them.

22. I can remember the exact day my music taste changed, and also what song it was that changed it. On my 14th birthday my best friend gave me a CD, and on that CD was the song Sleeping Sun by Nightwish. Before that I didn’t even care a lot about listening to music, I had enough music in my head. Since then my taste has evolved, but I’m still very fond of Nightwish 🙂

23. My memory is very visual. For example, my spellcheck on my writing consists of looking at the words to see if they ”look wrong”. I remember names much better if I know how they are spelled. When I remember things from books and notes, I usually see the page in front of me. I have a very good memory for faces, sometimes a bit too good since I have on occasion remembered people I’ve never met 😛 When I haven’t been listening to a lecture or if I’ve been gone, reading through the chapter usually makes it up. I seem to absorb information mostly through my eyes somehow 😛

24. I have a thing for sarcastic, ironic and cynical humor, which when I get together with other sarcastic friends can make me fall over laughing. This is one reason why I love Terry Pratchett, his books are an ironic wonderland 🙂

25. I’m good at seeing structures and patterns. This shows among other things when I learn languages, I draw parallells to other languages very quickly. I usually catch up on historical patterns rather fast as well, and social structures are fuzzier but very interesting 🙂 Am not so good at actually knowing what you’re supposed to do, but I can usually see that I’m supposed to do something at any rate 😛
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